Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
If looks could kill
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.