I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.