This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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It be like that sometimes 😆
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I love the National Park Service.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .