I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
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Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.