You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
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wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”