ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
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I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Florida man
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers