Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
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Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.