*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’d … I’d rather not.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
idk flipping houses looks really hard
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.