murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
When you’ve simply given up.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Fight
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
lost dog