My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
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“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled