I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
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” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
March 16
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”