oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
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If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.