My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
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WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Proctology is located in A55
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT