Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts