If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”