[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Midwest trash talk
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.