If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I didn’t realize that was an option