I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I thought this was funny lol