Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.