“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
This is me
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning