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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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Jurassic park gets weird
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?