Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.