Here’s a meme
You Might Also Like
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Not today.. 😂
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁