I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
You Might Also Like
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
☺️
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Only Americans understand
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
let’s discuss
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio