My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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SF is the wild wild west man
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*