“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I am a gravy boat captain
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.