Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
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God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Nothing to do, you say?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck