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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS