Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
What a website
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.