[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.