Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
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HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*