Did…did a minotaur write this
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Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
philosophical skeletons be like
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
#ProTip
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.