*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
You Might Also Like
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.