ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
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CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
fourth time’s the charm
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.