[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
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*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads