My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Chicken bread
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I feel seen.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.