I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
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When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.