dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
This makes total sense…
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.