The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Florida man
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy