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Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Nice try Hitler
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
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