My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
You Might Also Like
The Onion called it…again.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.