Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“What movie?” 🤔
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.