The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
BRO LMFAO
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.