i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You Might Also Like
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.