I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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for all #parents out there
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
this was the best i’ve ever seen
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?