The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Pat is about to own someone
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.