me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
sounds kinky. i’m in.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
saw this in a dream
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one