therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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channeling her this year
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year oldβ¦
Body: LOL.
Previously On Persistence π
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If u see me talking to myself donβt say nun to me Iβm having a staff meeting
My New Yearβs resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didnβt serve onion rings if youβre wondering whoβs top shelf around here
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and insideβ¦my grandmotherβs meatloaf recipe.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: Donβt talk to me until Iβve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you donβt drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Itβs me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, Iβm sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I βoveruseβ them
Wife: …
Me: thereβs no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” β Children
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.πβ€οΈπ§Όπ
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I wanna be friends with this person
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her