Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird