11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
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How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.